how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
