I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
