I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
