Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
