You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
