He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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