i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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