Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
