just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
