i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Randomize
