We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
