i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
40s are totally the cure
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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