Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
