if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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