She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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