also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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