there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
