smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
