On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
