I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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