We named our party play list daddy issues
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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