There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
