i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
