The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
