Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
