After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
