Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
