Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
