im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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