i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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