i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
