Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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