I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
