Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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