Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
