What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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