Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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