I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well you can't waste a boner
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
