I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
