you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
