On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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