I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
as a side note pls kill me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
