allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
