I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
