I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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