Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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