I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
