There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
