I heard we made out
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
