Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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