I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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