it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
