mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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